According to a parenting course a friend of mine went on, the trick when dealing with toddlers is to try to see things from their point of view. In which case, I give you: Girl in the Garden.
“Bloody shoes. Why must they be so haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard to take oooooooooffffffffff. There! Ahhhh. I’ll just – plop! – chuck them into that puddle. And if I can just reach under to these buttons… excellent…. Ta-Da! Freedom! Oooh – a poo! Where did THAT come from? My bottom is scratchy…. Aaaahhhhh, much better. Hmmm. My fingers smell funny. And taste… AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And if I do…this…then I can rub it in my hair like this! And on my fa… Uuugh. It smells funny.
Ok, ok, that’s enough hugging, thankyouverymuch, I’m not going to stop wriggling so you might as well put me down. Wipe my hand. Thank you. NOT MY ARSE, it’s too coooooooold, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-ooooh – what’s that? Some sand? Ooooh, I like sand. Is sand usually this dark? More sand, over here! Where is my mother? What is she doing with him up there? Why is he LOOOOOOOOOOOOKING AT ME AAAAAAAAARGHHHHH-oooh, a stick. And a bucket! With leaves and water! I am just going to… mix… and stir…. wet black sand! It feels nice. My feet LOVE it. Hahahahahahaha! There’s SO MUCH of it, hurray! And if I do… this… then I can rub it in my hair like this! And on my fa… Uuugh. It smells funny. It smells like the top of the garden where we’re not allowed to go. What is “fox”? It’s where fox lives. Uuuuugh, it’s smelly on my haaaaaand… What is that? ? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH a leaf ON MY FOOOOOOOOOOOT HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLP! Anyone?? Fuck it, I’m just going to have to deal with this myself. She is utterly CRAP.
Oops. Wee-wee! Hahahahaha, it’s fun and wet and slide. Uugh, smelly hands.
Ooooh, the kitchen floor is cooooooooooooold under my feet. And slippy… Oh hello cuddly rocking horse! I looooooooooooove you. Let’s have a cuddle. What? You want me to climb up on you? But I’m all dir… oh ok then. Just a quick one. Weeeeeeeeehhhh… Ooops. Wee-wee! Hahahahaha, it’s fun and wet and slidey. Uuuugh, smelly hands. That tap looks very high. I need…. this… (grunt) … chair, and… this…. (grunt) …. toy box. Perfect. Up I go! Oh look! If I put my hand on this white bit it goes all dark! And if I spread it around like this it looks like the ground outside! But it’s NOT the ground, hahahaha, that’s so funny… Up up up I go. Which tap…. THIS one ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH it’s TOOCOLDIT’SSPLASHINGMYFACE, abort abort abort, JUMP! Ooooh. What’s that up there in that open cupboard? I’ll just take…. this… (grunt) … toybox, and… this…. (grunt) …. chair. Perfect. Up I go! CHOCOLATE EGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fan-fucking-tastic!
I can hear her. QUICK! Stuff them in my mouth. MARMRARMARMARMARM…
She is going to stop me. I must hide. But where? I can hear her. QUICK! Stuff them in my mouth. MARMRARMRARMRARM…QUICK!!!!!!!!!! Hide. Under the table, runrunrunrun-ooooh – what is this? It’s soft and lovely! What is c-a-s-h-m-e-r-e? It’s so warm and cosy… Stuffstuffstuffstuffmunchmunchmunchmucnh…. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, here she is. Not a sound… GLAAAAAGHHHHH-BLUUUUGH-coughcoughcough-SPIIIIIIT. Wipe. So soft!
Oh. Hello there! Kiss?”